“Patience louse, the night is long.”
There are few universal truths that I believe with certainty. This is true to the extent that I spent the greater part of 2013 trying to outrun death. We didn’t know just how close behind us it was. I still feel like I stood on the brink with my mom, holding her hand, screaming into the mouth of the greater beyond that I did not believe it could take my mom.
This will sound ridiculous to most, but I still really believe this. I believe that death is not the universal truth, but love is. Love will always be and death cannot take that away from us.
Putting up Christmas lights is a reminder of how impatient I can be. All that work to put up the lights, only to turn them on and having a string not come on because of one rogue, burnt-out light. … Time to throw away the whole thing! My mom could go through the each light, one-by-one, testing and replacing them.
I’ve struggled quite a bit recently with what I wait for in my life. It is a continuous battle (or so it seems) to work full time and go to school and be married. At least once a week in the past 2 months I have questioned whether it is all really worth it. Can’t I just work full time? Do I need my bachelors? I want to stay focused and fueled toward finishing my goal, but the long stretch of road ahead of me is daunting. How long before I am able to start my family? Plant my roots? Can I make it?
Paciencia piojo, que la noche es larga.
I didn’t take the typical path out of high school and that does make my current life much more exhausting. Life is short, I tell myself. But if my life were to be interrupted… would I look back on where I was with any less satisfaction? Life may always feel shorter than what we want it to be, but tonight is long. To know that in a few short years I’ll look back on this period as difficult but surmountable, will be rewarding. My mom would remind me of that right now. My mom would tell me that she was proud of me, and I wondered why –I struggled to find the right major, always changing along the way, and starting over. Perhaps she was proud of me for being determined… patient even. For knowing that however strenuous a road I paved for myself, paving it properly was worth it to me, rather than paving it quickly. Eventually, I will finish and it will be all the more wonderful. I wish she could be there to see me when I get to that point, I really wanted her to see me walk. But I carry on knowing she was proud of me, even if undeserved.