I would like to start something. I would like to start an epidemic of gratefulness and appreciation.
This is not because I feel that we owe it to anyone else, specifically, to spread a little happiness, but I think we owe it to ourselves. I think this is so, because we wake up every morning making choices… to do or not to do. Sometimes, you need to not do because you need some mental health. That is OK. Mostly, though, you DO—because you love your family and want to get up and care for them or because you need work or simply because you know if you get out of bed you can reward yourself with a deliciously appetizing latte or pancake breakfast. That is OK.
I know all too many friends and loved ones that do a lot in their days and tell themselves that they need to do more. You know what? Maybe you would like to do more, and maybe you will, but you’re kicking butt already in what you’re doing and I think that is amazing in and of itself. So that is why I’m starting an epidemic of gratefulness to ourselves. To myself. Quite frankly because no one else is going to pat you on the back the way that you can. That is OK. I, at least, will begin my own tradition of Thankful Thursdays, because I woke up and went to work and I felt rushed and frantic and stressed before I even got in my car. But I kept moving. I appreciate that I have come a long way over the past 8 years when I might have chosen differently. I have worked and learned and failed and picked myself up to jog it off only to jog right into a pole. But in spite of those days (or perhaps because of) when all my exasperating attempts to get ahead only end in further humiliation… I learned to cry until I laugh and find joy in my humanity—in my evolution and pursuit of happiness. Those days are beautiful freckles on the face of my life that shimmer with experience and an underlying hope that I am still going.
I have learned that despite losing the battle I have fought the hardest for, I can smile at the beauty that was my mom’s life and feel proud that I have her DNA to carry it on.
Sometimes I just want to dramatically throw myself onto the ground and cry because I miss her. When I’ve run into my metaphorical pole, I just want to hug her and allow her mothering warmth to make it all better. I want to recklessly abandon all responsibility and ugly-cry in a dark corner. That is OK and will always be OK. As my crooked smile would tell you, I am not perfect—nor do I strive to be. I am stubborn and silly. My coping skills are childish. I often don’t “look-before-I-leap” in fact, I usually dance-before-I-walk and that lands me in peculiar circumstances. When I’ve lost the will to speak, or the ability to think, I giggle until my stomach hurts and tears well in my eyes. Then, I wake up in the morning with a determined smile and my head held high and I appreciate this process of life and growth. I know that wherever I am, wherever we/you/they are… it is OK and I am thankful for that today.
It may appear to be self-centered that I might choose my first topic of Thursday thankfulness to be myself.
Perhaps It is. I am content with that. I do believe that happiness, respect and love begins with ourselves and resonates through us to others.
That is my hippie-lovechild speak for leave me alone! I’m hugging myself right now and I’m OK with that.