humor · lifestyle · wellness

The Internet Told Me To Listen To My Body

Usually, when the internet tells me to do something, I tend to listen. Remember planking? When everyone on Facebook would lay facedown on random objects and post pictures of the experience?

Yeah, I never did that, either. But I ask myself: what could’ve happened if I had?

They say you should be a “Yes Girl,” you know? Say yes to life, girl! I’m a little confused at who “they” is, but I think it is Ryan Gosling or Google. Maybe both. Either way, I did read something about it before I posted the vegan pulled pork that I had for dinner the night before.

The latest trend, I am totally on board with, and I think you’ve noticed. I am a wellness junkie. I have used the following hashtags:

#wellness
#vegan
#glutenfree
#dairyfree
#yogaeverydamnday
#doesnttastelikecardboardiswear

I’ve posted the obligatory headstand picture, and at least 3 versions of my Bulletproof buttery coconut oil fat filled coffee. Check my Insta feed if you need proof. I’m LEANING IN, Sheryl.

WTS 050117 001

Most importantly, I am listening to my body. Namaste *head bow.* I am finding it to be a little trickier than the internet made it seem, though. I started my day with a Siggi’s yogurt bowl. I added a ton of extras and artfully laid them out in little piles, covering the top. Then I sliced up a banana in this cool diagonal pattern and drizzled cashew butter on it. I took a picture, then mixed it together making an ugly glob of food and ate it in all its globby deliciousness, while staring at its perfect picture. It felt good and, I thought, my body knows what’s up.

I work from home, so after devouring my yogurt I typed away at my computer for a couple of hours, until I realized I had left my notebook in the kitchen. I got up straightening out my leggings and sports bra — you know, my work uniform — and did split squats all the way to the kitchen. When I grabbed my notebook, I was startled by a noise.

“Niiiiicoooole, I’m riiiight heeere” it bellowed. 

I looked around trying to find what called my name, and could see my open pantry within my gaze. 

“Niiiiiicoooooole” it sang again.

I clutched my notebook to my chest and adjusted my leggings. (Why do they always ride up doing squats? I mean, I know they’re not Lululemon. Ugh.) I slowly walked toward my pantry, when I saw them. The gummy bears.

“Niiiiiicooooooole, you’re hungry!” they called, and my stomach growled. I felt scared inside and grabbed for the turmeric to throw at them.

“No! No gummy bears! I have a full body Barre workout in 30 minutes, I can’t have you!!”

Nevertheless, they persisted, “But you caaaaaan, you want to!”

I knew I needed to meditate on this, so I lotus’d up in the center of my kitchen.  But still, my body surprised me with a deeper growl–a snarl really– echoing from my belly to my ears. 

“EAT THEM!”

 

WTS 050117 005
Because, #gummybear.

At this point, I was covered in the yellow stain of the turmeric I had been using to ward them off, but my efforts were stale. My body wanted those gummy bears, and I devoured them all. 

The internet had not prepared me for this.

By the time two o’clock had rolled around, I stared blankly at my computer. What happened to me? What happened to the energy from my MCT oil? What happened to the post-barre adrenal rush that transported me through my afternoon lull? 

The sugar crash left me face down on the couch.

I considered taking a picture and calling it planking, but I had at this point started to question my interpretation of internet trends.

By that evening, I was a mess. I began to think that eating healthfully had ruined my stomach. What a disaster! I can’t even eat a container of gummy bears without having intense stomach pain anymore and feeling tired! I tried to think of ways I could begin retraining my body to incorporate candy once again.

As I laid lethargically on the couch, I began being beaten over the head multiple times. Literally, though, my son was hitting me with a plastic. At trying to get me to move. It did make me realize something, though… Have I ever actually heard Ryan Gosling say “Hey girl”?

More importantly, were these the signs I was supposed to listen to? Despite feeling more in touch with my healthy self than ever, the one thing I couldn’t prepare myself for was truly knowing how to differentiate my body asking for something, versus my mind asking for something. That was a much deeper question than simply listening for the cues that were mentally engrained in me from long ago. 

When the cravings strike, what do you do (besides throwing turmeric) to stay on track?

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